To Stand for Myself

That is what I've decided to make my resolution this year-- to Stand for Myself. Capital S.

Over the years, there have only been a few time periods in which I told myself that I'm awesome and actually believed it. Those were the times when I liked myself best. I liked myself and accordingly let myself struggle. I let myself be happy and grow. In thinking of a resolution for this year, I wanted to break down what those moments encompassed so that I could get to them more quickly, more often. And what I came down to is as follows:

So, reading over what I just wrote, this whole concept is still vague. Here's how I've decided to bring tangible check marks to the theme:

-- Speak Up.

And out. I usually classify myself as a space filler in conversations. If someone has a quieter demeanor, or if I'm meeting a new group of people, I have no problem being talkative/engaging people. But in a situation in which there are bigger personalities in the room or everyone else already knows each other, I fade. This year and onward, I want to continue to hold my own in any situation. Being a chameleon isn't necessarily a bad thing but I have my own voice and personality and want to use them. In terms of the speaking out thing, I don't want to keep brushing things I have a problem with under the rug for the sake of peace. "We are not passive victims of our own internalized biases." and I want to point out what those biases are for both myself and others. I need to stop putting pleasantness over truth.

-- Try one new thing a month. 

I know myself enough to know that I get bored easily. When I find something new and stimulating whether that's trying a new food or recipe, going on a random adventure, or doing a new month-long challenge, I become interested in more aspects of my life. Suddenly, I have a new story to tell and a new way to move forward. I'm taking a step forward in being a better self.

-- Stop apologizing when I don't need to.  

Saying 'sorry' all the time isn't really a polite gesture, it's apologizing for existing. I'm not sorry for that and I don't want to act as though I am.

-- Spend no more than 90 minutes a day on social media.

Does it revoke my title as a millennial to say that I'm honestly not a fan of social media? I appreciate its value-- helping people stay in touch and share photos and memories from their lives and what not. But right now I spend an exorbitant amount of time just scrolling and swiping and I hate it. For me personally, I don't like always observing others' highlight reels. I'm happy for friends, absolutely. But I want to use that time making my own reel instead.

-- Workout 3x a week.

This one is a New Year's classic. But I truly feel better about myself when I'm being healthy. I feel lighter on my feet, more awake, happy, confident. So I'm going for it. Whether it's dancing or running or biking or whatever I can convince myself to do on a dreary, rainy day, I really want to do this.

--Post on this blog at least once a week.

I always tell myself to "write more" as a goal but I want to start quantifying things so they actually happen. Writing is my medicine and therapy and cheerleader all at once and I want to make sure to keep it a priority.

-- Call home at least once every other week.

I'm notorious for being very present in person but not staying in touch. My parents are wonderful people and I want to change that. Once a week is the real goal but I know myself enough to know that is a pretty big stretch for me. So this seems honestly doable.

--Put away my phone when at meals with people. Entirely. 

How does this relate to Standing for Myself? Related to the social media resolution, I want to make my own memories, not just scroll through those that others are making. At the end of the day, I know I'll remember the conversations I have with people much more than anything I'll be reading on my phone at the time. So this is me making it happen.



And that's the list! Long-winded, yes, but it's how I'm breaking down the theme for myself.

Here's to 2016, the year of journeys!

The Faithfulness of God

When I was in medical school, I received a call that two college students needed help. I was young at the time, maybe just a couple years into the beginning of my medical practice. They didn't tell me anything else-- just the location and that there were two people to look for.

So I got into an ambulance and headed over to the college campus. When I got there, there were two young women waiting. Kofo and your mom.

You have to understand at this point in the story what it meant to be a professional in the medical profession in Nigeria at the time. There could be absolutely no, none, relationship between a physician and a patient. 

I didn't know much of the situation so I asked what was wrong. Your mom told me that her best friend, Kofo, was feeling sick. She was just here to help. So she got in the ambulance and we went to the hospital together.

And that was it. Just a regular physician/patient interaction. In a city as big as Lagos, I didn't expect to see her again.

But I did. A few weeks later, I saw her again-- I believe it was in the marketplace near campus. I was surprised. Running into people who I had only met in passing was not a common occurrence. So I went up to her and asked her if she was the one from the ambulance a few weeks back. She said yes and I asked her how her friend was doing. She said she was feeling better and that was essentially the extent of our conversation. Very professional.

Then, somehow, not even a month later, I saw her again. She was standing with her friends in this beautiful pink dress. I liked the way it looked on her and I told her so. She said it was her sister's.

This is where God got me. He know me better than anyone. He knows that uncommon truth gets my attention.

In Lagos in this time, a lot was fake. No matter if a woman got her dress from a store down the street, she wanted to make herself bigger than she was. Most people did. Instead of being honest, she would say she got the dress in Paris or Rome-- something like that.

Your mother was different. She was very honest in saying that it was her sister's, thereby owning up to the fact that it was borrowed. This kind of honesty was so uncommon that it caught my attention immediately. I asked myself if it was possible to find someone, here in the midst of all of these lies and images, so simple and so true. An honest person who must truly fear God.

That was when I was officially interested. Later that day, I asked her if she wanted to accompany me go check out the housing I would be hopefully staying in the next year when I was working for the military hospital. She said sure.

The day of the trip came around and she joined me. It was just me, her, and three or so of my brothers. It blew me away how well she got along with each of them-- as though they had grown up on the same street. 

Days past and my younger brother took me aside. He knew that I had several "fans", as he liked to call them, on campus. I was young, good looking, a doctor... but he said it was very clear to him. He told me that for what it was worth, his vote only went to one. Guess who.

A couple days later my older brother took me aside as well. Note these were two individual, unrelated conversations. He said that I may be young and still playing around now but something about her made him want to tell me to take this potential relationship very seriously. With two brothers telling me this on their own, I started to see the dots. In the physician nap room, I had prayed for God to send me someone. Someone who could be my wife, my best friend, my mother, and my sister. I saw the compassion she had demonstrated by taking care of her friend in the ambulance. Her honesty with the dress. Her kindness and personableness that made her feel immediately a part of the family. God was creating a constellation for me. 

And so a relationship formed.

Since then, you know how wonderful your mother is. Her selflessness, her kindness... And the way God has blessed us! Four wonderful children. Who are not only good hearted and doing individually but are close. All four of you! I love how, whenever any of you has a hard decision to make, you call the other three to see what they think. Even me, I don't think I'm that close to any of my brothers and there are eight of us. Eight from the same mother and same father. My father had some other children too from a different woman but I didn't know them as well. I was closest to my late brother Matthew before his motorcycle accident. We grew up always, always, together. My other brothers didn't necessarily grow up in the same home.

Anyway, all this is to say, that if you are faithful, God will bless you. You may not even know how or see the dots as they're formed but when you take a step back, you will see the connections he has made for you and all you'll be able to say is wow. He is faithful to different people in different ways. And I couldn't be more thankful.


This is the story my dad just told me about how he met my mom. That, and what came after. I thought it was beautiful and, naturally for me, needed to write it all down. He asked me what I might title this all if I made it into a book. When I didn't know, he said his choice would be The Faithfulness of God. So that's what it is. Amen.

21st Go Around the Sun

"You have something inside you that's going to change the world."

"The most important things are the hardest to say."

"Courage, dear heart."

"Nothing worthwhile is easy."

"Dormant creativity is not benign."

"The purpose of fiction is to combat loneliness."

"I keep waiting to feel more resolved, somehow."

"A writer is the sum of their experiences. Go get some."

"The only thing you're going to have is what you make."

"We are not passive victims of our own internalized biases."

"Write like you're running out of time."

"As you move forward, I implore you to try and find spaces where that authenticity can exist without caution. It won't be easy, and it won't always seem possible. But it's worth it." 

"Folk die full of nostalgia for life."

"This is my dream reclamation year. I've spent a lot of time moving away from things that don't make me feel passionate because they're not as lucrative." 

"I'm there to learn. I'm not there to win. If I learn, I'll win eventually."

"Success is a leap from one failure to the next with great enthusiasm." 

"Sometimes the only way across the river is slipping on that first rock."

"Failure is not durable...The same things they fire you for when you're young are the ones they give you lifetime achievement award for when you're old."

"You're going to stumble into something like contentment."

"If everyone's trying to get through that one little door, you're in the wrong place. You've gotta think bigger than that."

"Nothing isn't better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing."

"Love is the death of duty."

"Her face is a map of the world."

"If someone had asked me my name right then, I wouldn't have known."

"The sooner you shut up, the sooner it will come to you. and the creative spirit will be like 'Bastard's taking credit for it again'."

 "Don't wait for an idea to start. You start and then an idea will come."

"When people show you who they are, believe them." 

"If she did ordinary things, they became enigmatic."

"He sold his body for science so that he could make art." 

These are the quotes that I have on a desktop sticky note. I've been building the list for awhile now and I love coming back to it again and again.

Some of these words are inspirational and others are just ideas that stuck with me. As I begin my 21st year, I want to keep coming back to this. When I reflect, I keep coming back to the thought these are all parts of what I aspire to be. I want to keep reaching for more experiences while still being in and enjoying the ones I have now.

In my life thus far I have been so incredibly blessed and I can only imagine what is to come. So today, December 23rd, the day I was entered this world all of those years ago, I want to take a moment to be thankful.

Here's to legality and open doors!

R.I.P. Erne

"We just need people to understand we are all human just the same. It will be hard, but I think it can be achieved. The thing is we have to do it one person at a time and if each person helps someone else understand, we can create a domino effect."

Between the Bars by Elliot Smith

Listen with your eyes closed 

Above by Pascal Campion

I deserve not to be a backup plan. I deserve to be someone's first choice.