Monday, April 13, 2015
Back again
[this is more detailed than some readers may be used to seeing on this blog but this is for me, and I needed to write about it. if you don't want to know about my private life, don't keep reading.]
I'm coming to learn that I have very strong, yet weakly upheld inhibitions. I set such constrained boundaries for myself that at the first glass of wine, come to speak of the third, I have run with the chance to cross them.
I think I like how quickly my boundaries come down but I don't think I like how tall and strict they are to begin with.
Remember that boy I used to blog about? He's baaaaack.
Well he never really left. In fact, he's become so close recently that I consider him one of my best friends of al time. I mean back in terms of the super distracting, can't stop thinking of the night way.
Thursday was his birthday. As I said he's one of my best friends so I found it natural to come early and help him set up. That part was simple: buy some snacks, drinks, cups. Set up a playlist. Relax and wait for the party to arrive.
I lost my glasses on an Uber to start the night off but eventually got them back and after a couple self-pity glasses of wine. And then the time came for people to arrive and I, light weight that I am, was already rather tipsy. I spent most of the night talking to friends, old and new, and dancing whenever a good song came on. Andrew, Kevin's pledge son, definitely won the best conversation award. He took Kevin and I aside and made us cry by telling us how much he appreciates the work we put in to Board and WW. It was SO nice to hear, especially after the past week of putting in 10+ hours to try to make this first spring training meeting a success.
But then the night progressed.
The night progressed and I had another glass of wine, making it my third. Most people would say that's nothing, but for me, that's the point when those carefully built walls come crashing down.
I know it was me. I know I came onto him. I found him in the kitchen and cozied up. He didn't withdraw. In fact he encouraged me, stroked my waist as I pulled closer. But I was the definitely the one to push forward. I was the one who stayed, kissed his neck, and whispered that I wanted to be alone with him. I told him I didn't want to be responsible for once.
I led him back to Summer's room and we were their for a while until people came banging on the door twice, trying to get their coats/ see what what happening with the birthday boy. The entire time, he was sure to state that we both knew this was a bad idea. That we broke it off the first time because we're meant to be best friends. Those were his words, but physically, he didn't stop me. I told him I wouldn't regret it and that, for once, I wanted to do what I wanted in the present rather than thinking so much. So he engaged too. But, eventually, he was the one who said we needed to stop and head back to the party before too much happened. I was disappointed but agreed.
After, we danced until the party died down. He said he was going to get a ride back home with Jonathan soon and I took him aside to say I wanted to kiss him again before the night was over. He agreed and we went to a different room this time where any remnants of inhibitions were entirely eliminated. I don't know how long we were in there but I wanted to stay even longer.
I wanted him to stay.
But for the second time that night, he was the responsible one and said we should go or we would never stop. I didn't want to. But I knew he was right.
It was like it was January all over again and the past 3 months we've spent determinedly as friends were suddenly clouded. He texted me the next morning to make sure I was okay, and I am. I told him I wasn't weirded out and I didn't regret anything . He told me he was in the same place. But now, I haven't seen him since then and the more time I spend alone thinking about it, the more I''m scared.
And now I'm so, so scared I messed up.
He's my best friend, the person I trust with my entire heart, who I can tell everything to. I don't want our established relationship to fall apart or shift in any way because of one night.
And the worst of it? Well honestly I'm not sure if this is a bad or good thing. But I want to do it again. Given the chance, I would hook up with him again, sober or not.
I don't know what that says.
I'm coming to learn that I have very strong, yet weakly upheld inhibitions. I set such constrained boundaries for myself that at the first glass of wine, come to speak of the third, I have run with the chance to cross them.
I think I like how quickly my boundaries come down but I don't think I like how tall and strict they are to begin with.
Remember that boy I used to blog about? He's baaaaack.
Well he never really left. In fact, he's become so close recently that I consider him one of my best friends of al time. I mean back in terms of the super distracting, can't stop thinking of the night way.
Thursday was his birthday. As I said he's one of my best friends so I found it natural to come early and help him set up. That part was simple: buy some snacks, drinks, cups. Set up a playlist. Relax and wait for the party to arrive.
I lost my glasses on an Uber to start the night off but eventually got them back and after a couple self-pity glasses of wine. And then the time came for people to arrive and I, light weight that I am, was already rather tipsy. I spent most of the night talking to friends, old and new, and dancing whenever a good song came on. Andrew, Kevin's pledge son, definitely won the best conversation award. He took Kevin and I aside and made us cry by telling us how much he appreciates the work we put in to Board and WW. It was SO nice to hear, especially after the past week of putting in 10+ hours to try to make this first spring training meeting a success.
But then the night progressed.
The night progressed and I had another glass of wine, making it my third. Most people would say that's nothing, but for me, that's the point when those carefully built walls come crashing down.
I know it was me. I know I came onto him. I found him in the kitchen and cozied up. He didn't withdraw. In fact he encouraged me, stroked my waist as I pulled closer. But I was the definitely the one to push forward. I was the one who stayed, kissed his neck, and whispered that I wanted to be alone with him. I told him I didn't want to be responsible for once.
I led him back to Summer's room and we were their for a while until people came banging on the door twice, trying to get their coats/ see what what happening with the birthday boy. The entire time, he was sure to state that we both knew this was a bad idea. That we broke it off the first time because we're meant to be best friends. Those were his words, but physically, he didn't stop me. I told him I wouldn't regret it and that, for once, I wanted to do what I wanted in the present rather than thinking so much. So he engaged too. But, eventually, he was the one who said we needed to stop and head back to the party before too much happened. I was disappointed but agreed.
After, we danced until the party died down. He said he was going to get a ride back home with Jonathan soon and I took him aside to say I wanted to kiss him again before the night was over. He agreed and we went to a different room this time where any remnants of inhibitions were entirely eliminated. I don't know how long we were in there but I wanted to stay even longer.
I wanted him to stay.
But for the second time that night, he was the responsible one and said we should go or we would never stop. I didn't want to. But I knew he was right.
It was like it was January all over again and the past 3 months we've spent determinedly as friends were suddenly clouded. He texted me the next morning to make sure I was okay, and I am. I told him I wasn't weirded out and I didn't regret anything . He told me he was in the same place. But now, I haven't seen him since then and the more time I spend alone thinking about it, the more I''m scared.
And now I'm so, so scared I messed up.
He's my best friend, the person I trust with my entire heart, who I can tell everything to. I don't want our established relationship to fall apart or shift in any way because of one night.
And the worst of it? Well honestly I'm not sure if this is a bad or good thing. But I want to do it again. Given the chance, I would hook up with him again, sober or not.
I don't know what that says.
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