At open mic night on Friday, one of the performers was a hip hop artist who introduced us to a new style of music. Rather than rap a story, he wrapped questions. He rapped about the questions that tug at him and asked us all to join in until the entire room was yelling out questions that we all wonder and are still trying to find the answer to. We didn't talk about answers at all actually but the premise was more about igniting this overwhelming feeling of wonder and sharing in that experience in a room mostly full of strangers.
In honor of that, I wanted to start my own list of questions and add to it as more cross my mind and my heart. Here's the start:
Why do I dance so small?
What am I afraid of?
Where do I end and you begin?
Why were there so many unspoken rules on the 4th grade playground?
Why do I hesitate?
What is the sound of heartbreak?
Can the spirit float on joy?
When does it begin to fall apart?
Is duct tape enough to fix it?
Why do geese travel so tightly together?
Sunday, May 31, 2015
About Friendships and Loss Thereof
I read something the other day. There's this thing I do where I open a bunch of tabs on my computer of articles whose titles caught my attention that I promise myself I'll read later. Then, one free afternoon, I'll go through and read all of them, filing my mind with information and wisdom my past self believed might come in handy.
One of the ones I read was about the heartbreak of fading friendships. Originally, I clicked on it because one of my friends, the first I made here, is one of those fades. If not for the fact that we have so much history and in a perfect world, I'd like for our friendship to rekindle, I wouldn't hesitate to say we're not friends anymore. But there is, and I do still sometimes hope for better. So I read things like this to help myself know that I'm not alone in this.
The article had a lot to say about why ending friendships are exponentially harder to go through than ending relationships. When a relationship ends, there's things people tell you-- about how the world is and how you can get over it. You're told that there are plenty other fish in the sea, you deserve better and that he or she isn't worth your time anyway. You're told to get back out there, with your friends supporting you the entire way. But that last part is the clincher, isn't it? Your friends being there. There to make you laugh, hold you when it's all too much, distract you by dancing the night away, sitting there to listen when you just want to talk. So what do you do if it's your friend who is the one that's lost. Who do you turn to? It's like your whole world is falling apart and the only person who would understand is the person who's loss is causing it. You give your whole, true self to it and having someone you've been so vulnerable with fall away breaks you. I can't even place exactly what went wrong.
There was a point this year where everything was going right. People would check in about how I'm doing and I would gush about all of the warmth that I felt. I loved and was loved in return, I spent weeknights having great conversations with people who wanted to be there with me just as much as I wanted to be there with them, I had plans, I was meeting people and making new connections at a time when I thought I was done making friends here. Things were just so much more than good.
Now, that's not true. I want it to be but it's not. Now, I seek out those environments that once felt so warm and right and feel cold and isolated. I reach out to the people who made me feel understood and loved and my heart breaks just making eye contact with them. If any part of my skin touches there, I feel myself tense. I walk around wanting to tell them everything, wanting to talk to them about nothing, but in practice, I now shut down grieving for the connection that once held me together.
I know this all will pass. This is how life works, isn't it? In cycles. In peaks and troughs then back again. And this is all not to say I'm deeply depressed or anything like that. I'm still happy a lot of the time. Friday was one of those days. I walked around campus spinning and smiling because I felt so light. Open mic night, milk tea with Michelle, some time spent alone for relaxation and reflection, listening to a panel of professionals about how to have a career that has an impact, finishing my last lab of all time, exploring Shakespeare Garden.. so much went well that day, I was almost euphoric. It's just in the day that follows when you want to share your happiness and struggle to find people to do that with that it hits you.
That article had an idea that stuck with me. That you have the exact people in you need in your life exactly when you need them. As much as I would like that to be true, I'm still trying to prove it to myself.
One of the ones I read was about the heartbreak of fading friendships. Originally, I clicked on it because one of my friends, the first I made here, is one of those fades. If not for the fact that we have so much history and in a perfect world, I'd like for our friendship to rekindle, I wouldn't hesitate to say we're not friends anymore. But there is, and I do still sometimes hope for better. So I read things like this to help myself know that I'm not alone in this.
The article had a lot to say about why ending friendships are exponentially harder to go through than ending relationships. When a relationship ends, there's things people tell you-- about how the world is and how you can get over it. You're told that there are plenty other fish in the sea, you deserve better and that he or she isn't worth your time anyway. You're told to get back out there, with your friends supporting you the entire way. But that last part is the clincher, isn't it? Your friends being there. There to make you laugh, hold you when it's all too much, distract you by dancing the night away, sitting there to listen when you just want to talk. So what do you do if it's your friend who is the one that's lost. Who do you turn to? It's like your whole world is falling apart and the only person who would understand is the person who's loss is causing it. You give your whole, true self to it and having someone you've been so vulnerable with fall away breaks you. I can't even place exactly what went wrong.
There was a point this year where everything was going right. People would check in about how I'm doing and I would gush about all of the warmth that I felt. I loved and was loved in return, I spent weeknights having great conversations with people who wanted to be there with me just as much as I wanted to be there with them, I had plans, I was meeting people and making new connections at a time when I thought I was done making friends here. Things were just so much more than good.
Now, that's not true. I want it to be but it's not. Now, I seek out those environments that once felt so warm and right and feel cold and isolated. I reach out to the people who made me feel understood and loved and my heart breaks just making eye contact with them. If any part of my skin touches there, I feel myself tense. I walk around wanting to tell them everything, wanting to talk to them about nothing, but in practice, I now shut down grieving for the connection that once held me together.
I know this all will pass. This is how life works, isn't it? In cycles. In peaks and troughs then back again. And this is all not to say I'm deeply depressed or anything like that. I'm still happy a lot of the time. Friday was one of those days. I walked around campus spinning and smiling because I felt so light. Open mic night, milk tea with Michelle, some time spent alone for relaxation and reflection, listening to a panel of professionals about how to have a career that has an impact, finishing my last lab of all time, exploring Shakespeare Garden.. so much went well that day, I was almost euphoric. It's just in the day that follows when you want to share your happiness and struggle to find people to do that with that it hits you.
That article had an idea that stuck with me. That you have the exact people in you need in your life exactly when you need them. As much as I would like that to be true, I'm still trying to prove it to myself.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
"Thanks for taking care of me :) Also I remember feeling very conflicted about you toward the end of the night, so I'm not sure if that translated to me being angsty or anything. But just know that everything is totally fine and dandy haha. You're the greatest!"
"Heh don't worry I was pretty conflicted too. Just trying really hard not to do anything I'd regret today/ take advantage of you. But I think at least for the most part good choices were made! Angsty how? I'd just prefer if you didn't tell me you're fine when you're not. For feeling sick or otherwise"
"That's definitely fair."
"Heh don't worry I was pretty conflicted too. Just trying really hard not to do anything I'd regret today/ take advantage of you. But I think at least for the most part good choices were made! Angsty how? I'd just prefer if you didn't tell me you're fine when you're not. For feeling sick or otherwise"
"That's definitely fair."
"So I wrote you something. And imma send it to you. And hopefully the sap doesn't make you sick. But I mean all of it. So yeah. Deal. (sent via email because it made the most sense)"
"I'm crying. I'm sitting by myself at the bar while she's in the bathroom and I'm crying. I love you so so much. You made this the best birthday I ever had. I hope I can do the same for yours. Thank you so frigging much, you are the light of my life and I'm just so absurdly lucky to have you. I wish I has the words to justify how important you are to me... But I don't. Ugh"
"You make that clear every time we hang out so no worries :)"
"I hope you know you're the reason why my bday was so incredible"
" :) :)"
"I'm so serious. I've never had a friend like you. You're my inspiration and I feel so lucky"
"It's things like this. Killin' me. Glad I could help make today special for you"
"You made it the specialist. Love you. I'm drunk but I can't wait to talk to you sober."
"I'm crying. I'm sitting by myself at the bar while she's in the bathroom and I'm crying. I love you so so much. You made this the best birthday I ever had. I hope I can do the same for yours. Thank you so frigging much, you are the light of my life and I'm just so absurdly lucky to have you. I wish I has the words to justify how important you are to me... But I don't. Ugh"
"You make that clear every time we hang out so no worries :)"
"I hope you know you're the reason why my bday was so incredible"
" :) :)"
"I'm so serious. I've never had a friend like you. You're my inspiration and I feel so lucky"
"It's things like this. Killin' me. Glad I could help make today special for you"
"You made it the specialist. Love you. I'm drunk but I can't wait to talk to you sober."
"Do you want me to not text you for a while? Obviously I'm sad about it but I wanna respect your wishes. Just let me know what I can do. I'm scared of losing you, but if you let me know what you need from me, I can do it."
"I think for the first time in a long time, I don't know what I want at all. And I know that's not fair or helpful and I don't like the feeling of not knowing or constantly putting my stress on you but that's kinda just where I'm at. But thanks for telling me that. You're being wonderful as usual . And usually I would say I'll get back to you at least about the texting thing after I figure it out but I'm not sure I'm going to. I really wish I could say. But I'm scared of losing you too--- because of so many reasons I hope you already know. So since that feeling's on both sides, this should work, right? I hope. I really, really hope so. I just honestly don't know and I hope this mess doesn't last too long."
"Yeah, I understand. Am I allowed to text you? Just like moving forward."
"Yeah, go ahead."
"I think for the first time in a long time, I don't know what I want at all. And I know that's not fair or helpful and I don't like the feeling of not knowing or constantly putting my stress on you but that's kinda just where I'm at. But thanks for telling me that. You're being wonderful as usual . And usually I would say I'll get back to you at least about the texting thing after I figure it out but I'm not sure I'm going to. I really wish I could say. But I'm scared of losing you too--- because of so many reasons I hope you already know. So since that feeling's on both sides, this should work, right? I hope. I really, really hope so. I just honestly don't know and I hope this mess doesn't last too long."
"Yeah, I understand. Am I allowed to text you? Just like moving forward."
"Yeah, go ahead."
[break in the series for a second]
To discuss the term "best friend". I don't like it very much. Not only is it a lot of pressure but it's also exclusive to other people in your life that you value in different ways. There are people in my life who I feel different things for at different times-- people who I love in different ways but are still meaningful to me.
Really, I think the only time people use the term 'best friend' is when they're trying to justify a relationship they have either to themselves or to someone else. But you only use that term when you're in the middle of some sort of stress. Either your best friend isn't acting like the best friend you have when you don't feel the need to use that term or you yourself are doing something off to feel the
need to justify yourself.
I believe in actions. I believe in showing people how much you care and in what way. Terms aside, that's what matters.
Really, I think the only time people use the term 'best friend' is when they're trying to justify a relationship they have either to themselves or to someone else. But you only use that term when you're in the middle of some sort of stress. Either your best friend isn't acting like the best friend you have when you don't feel the need to use that term or you yourself are doing something off to feel the
need to justify yourself.
I believe in actions. I believe in showing people how much you care and in what way. Terms aside, that's what matters.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"You ok? Like with everything"
"Most days yeah, some days no. But gotta deal with it, you know?"
"I think you can put it on the line. You don't have to wait for him."
"87% of the time, he's just my best friend."
"What's the other 13?"
"He's charming, what can I say? And a sincerely good person."
"Is 13 always drunk?"
"10/13."
"I think that speaks."
"Yeah. that's why I'm more trying to keep up the best friendship-ness. Because drunk isn't fair to either of us."
"Most days yeah, some days no. But gotta deal with it, you know?"
"I think you can put it on the line. You don't have to wait for him."
"87% of the time, he's just my best friend."
"What's the other 13?"
"He's charming, what can I say? And a sincerely good person."
"Is 13 always drunk?"
"10/13."
"I think that speaks."
"Yeah. that's why I'm more trying to keep up the best friendship-ness. Because drunk isn't fair to either of us."
New Millennial Piece
Anyone who knows me knows that I hate texting. I hate Facebook messaging, too, and any other thing where I can't directly hear or see the person I'm communicating with. Well, hate is a strong word. Other interactions are just strongly preferred. Instead, I prefer to use texts simply to make plans for when I can see someone in person or, if that's not possible, call. I think I just like hearing the smile and intention in people's voices that emoticons and overt use of exclamation points just can't convey.
When people first learn this information about me, they generally laugh. What kind of millennial am I that I don't like texting? So then it's rare for me to have a text conversation that means something. This isn't the case for a lot of people. Recently, I read a piece, Airing Your Dirty Laundry, from SLANT NU that made me rethink the value of text messages. Maybe it's not a full heart-to-heart. Maybe it's just enough. What you needed in that moment.
So for this blog, I wanted to highlight a couple of the conversations that I've had via texting that I keep coming back to. The ones that stick with me. I won't say when I had them or who they're from but, if you recognize yourself in them, know it mattered to me. A lot of small things do. And I'm trying to compile them when I'm still the person who they're relevant to.
Quote of the Week as I approach the end of my junior year:
"You get a strange feeling when you leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are at this time and place because you'll never be this way again."
When people first learn this information about me, they generally laugh. What kind of millennial am I that I don't like texting? So then it's rare for me to have a text conversation that means something. This isn't the case for a lot of people. Recently, I read a piece, Airing Your Dirty Laundry, from SLANT NU that made me rethink the value of text messages. Maybe it's not a full heart-to-heart. Maybe it's just enough. What you needed in that moment.
So for this blog, I wanted to highlight a couple of the conversations that I've had via texting that I keep coming back to. The ones that stick with me. I won't say when I had them or who they're from but, if you recognize yourself in them, know it mattered to me. A lot of small things do. And I'm trying to compile them when I'm still the person who they're relevant to.
Quote of the Week as I approach the end of my junior year:
"You get a strange feeling when you leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love, but you'll miss the person you are at this time and place because you'll never be this way again."
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Gender Imbalances in Nigerian Culture
Not exactly the life I lead thank goodness but this is something I see too much in my family's culture. It gets stronger when people come to visit. Such sentiment is archaic and that fact needs to be realized by more people.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Moving backward
I thought I'd walk away from college with a sense of fullness. I thought I would form a family of people who I know love me and will continue to love me no matter what comes our way. I thought I would stand taller, walk with confidence, speak in such a way where I am heard and look back and say, "This is it. This is what I wanted."
We're young enough to say there's always time. Even still, I can't shake the feeling that the window closes so quickly. Yes, I'll keep making friends. I've never been worried about that. But I am worried about maintaining them. I'm worried about having people who I have deep, history-filled bonds with who are the type of people who are unquestionably in my life and I in theirs. I want people who I couldn't get rid of I tried. After graduation, even if it's not 100% true, I feel like the chances for those types of relationships drop exponentially. Maybe it's because I started filling out my petition to graduate today but suddenly this issue I've been struggling with for a while feels much more urgent.
In the past year, I've had so many ups and downs. But honestly, I feel as though the downs are enough to make me, at least right now, feel as though I've regressed. At the beginning of my sophomore year here, I felt I was finally the person I wanted to be. I don't feel that way so much anymore.
There have been times when I've really connected people. When I feel a happiness that takes me over and, at least in that time, I feel right. I take a mental picture of times like those so that I can return to them
But there have also been an overwhelming amount of times, especially recently, where I feel like I'm somehow still proving myself. I'm still trying to make people like me and I still change myself and my approach to them to make it work. And it doesn't always work. Often, that's true. Jokes fall flat. Comments are ignored. Questions attempting to join a conversation are never addressed. People who I want to be close to just don't seem inclined enough to want my company as well. I feel that my speaking inabilities which cause me to repeat things three or four times make people stop caring about what I have to say. And as someone who sees others as such an ingrained part of myself, each instance of that turns me back in on myself, making it even harder the next time. Those times have been building on each other recently.
I think a big part of it is that I really need people right now. Earlier this year, I had at least one person who I knew was my home base but that's gone now. It's not gone forever, I hope. I really, truly hope not. But it is healing and that takes time. It's rare that I've been in a situation where there were only a handful of people who I feel entirely invested in and I know they feel the same. But the issue comes in the fact that these people have other friends. We're not one group so people have others to hang out with and all too often, I'm left not knowing who to call and just being on my own. I don't know who my people here, my true-blue, unshakable people, are anymore. I could maybe name a couple depending on the say but it's not as strong as I would like it to be. As I need it to be. I want someone to say "I choose you. I want you in my life and I want to show you that."
As much as I'd like to be, I'm not good on my own. I'm just not.
I think I'm tied to that feeling of unconditional love. Of having someone I can give endlessly to and pour my heart out to or just be shameless and silly and know that will only draw us closer. That kind of love fills you with energy and no matter what life throws you, there's someone right beside you. No matter what, you say, at least we have each other. That kind of friendship is rare and special. I know that much. But I think I need it more than I thought I did. I want to give myself over entirely to someone and have them be here in Evanston to do the same with me. When you love someone like that, it comes back to you.
There are people who are still there, I know there are. That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is that the confidence that I felt that summer after the Czech Republic and those summers after spending all day everyday with the Dream Team has dissipated. I have my people out there. I know I can call them up after a year or call them everyday and our relationship is rooted enough that we'll still be in that state of comfort where we've always been.
Just some thoughts.
We're young enough to say there's always time. Even still, I can't shake the feeling that the window closes so quickly. Yes, I'll keep making friends. I've never been worried about that. But I am worried about maintaining them. I'm worried about having people who I have deep, history-filled bonds with who are the type of people who are unquestionably in my life and I in theirs. I want people who I couldn't get rid of I tried. After graduation, even if it's not 100% true, I feel like the chances for those types of relationships drop exponentially. Maybe it's because I started filling out my petition to graduate today but suddenly this issue I've been struggling with for a while feels much more urgent.
In the past year, I've had so many ups and downs. But honestly, I feel as though the downs are enough to make me, at least right now, feel as though I've regressed. At the beginning of my sophomore year here, I felt I was finally the person I wanted to be. I don't feel that way so much anymore.
There have been times when I've really connected people. When I feel a happiness that takes me over and, at least in that time, I feel right. I take a mental picture of times like those so that I can return to them
But there have also been an overwhelming amount of times, especially recently, where I feel like I'm somehow still proving myself. I'm still trying to make people like me and I still change myself and my approach to them to make it work. And it doesn't always work. Often, that's true. Jokes fall flat. Comments are ignored. Questions attempting to join a conversation are never addressed. People who I want to be close to just don't seem inclined enough to want my company as well. I feel that my speaking inabilities which cause me to repeat things three or four times make people stop caring about what I have to say. And as someone who sees others as such an ingrained part of myself, each instance of that turns me back in on myself, making it even harder the next time. Those times have been building on each other recently.
I think a big part of it is that I really need people right now. Earlier this year, I had at least one person who I knew was my home base but that's gone now. It's not gone forever, I hope. I really, truly hope not. But it is healing and that takes time. It's rare that I've been in a situation where there were only a handful of people who I feel entirely invested in and I know they feel the same. But the issue comes in the fact that these people have other friends. We're not one group so people have others to hang out with and all too often, I'm left not knowing who to call and just being on my own. I don't know who my people here, my true-blue, unshakable people, are anymore. I could maybe name a couple depending on the say but it's not as strong as I would like it to be. As I need it to be. I want someone to say "I choose you. I want you in my life and I want to show you that."
As much as I'd like to be, I'm not good on my own. I'm just not.
I think I'm tied to that feeling of unconditional love. Of having someone I can give endlessly to and pour my heart out to or just be shameless and silly and know that will only draw us closer. That kind of love fills you with energy and no matter what life throws you, there's someone right beside you. No matter what, you say, at least we have each other. That kind of friendship is rare and special. I know that much. But I think I need it more than I thought I did. I want to give myself over entirely to someone and have them be here in Evanston to do the same with me. When you love someone like that, it comes back to you.
There are people who are still there, I know there are. That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is that the confidence that I felt that summer after the Czech Republic and those summers after spending all day everyday with the Dream Team has dissipated. I have my people out there. I know I can call them up after a year or call them everyday and our relationship is rooted enough that we'll still be in that state of comfort where we've always been.
Just some thoughts.
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