"I know you never intended to be in this world.

But you're in it all the same.
So why not get started immediately?

I mean, belonging to it.
There is so much to admire, to weep over.

And to write music or poems about.

Bless the feet that take you to and fro.
Bless the eyes and the listening ears.
Bless the tongue, the marvel of taste.
Bless touching."

-The Fourth Sign of the Zodiac by Mary Oliver

"He who looks outside dreams. He who looks inside awakens."

-- Carl Jung

The Last Summer

I just realized that this summer will be my last.

"This is my dream reclamation year."

That's what someone told me during an interview and it's stuck with me.

I've spent a lot of time moving away from the things that I feel passionately for-- because they're not as lucrative or they don't "make sense". But as this year comes to an end, I'm realizing quickly that doesn't matter at all. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is my only chance. And as long as I'm doing well enough to be debt free and feed myself, no one can tell me that I've made the wrong choice. An intrinsic feeling of emptiness will do that for me.

I know it's not too late and it never is. Still, I want to get started before I lose myself again.

Flaky

Of course, I'm angry. Yes, with you.

Not that you'd know that. Society killed my freedom to express anger years ago when I tried so hard to be the opposite of what people expected a black woman to be. But my anger is mine. It is mine, it is valid, and it has a right to be heard.

I'm angry with you because of your passivity.

You expect me to just be here.

You say you're busy. I know you're busy. We all do. We all are.

But if you really care for me, you should check in. Send a text message or call. Something.

You only tell me you miss me when you're drunk. I've stopped saying "I miss you, too." Now I just say "Okay." That response isn't because I don't miss you because I do-- or at least the friend you used to be to me. My okay results from a shaken belief that my shared sentiment will change anything. My okay translates to, "Great. We both know this. Now what?"

I'm mad that you're okay. You have your people. I'm angry that, as someone who I value so much in my life, and feel anxious when I haven't connected with in a long time, when the tables are turned and I fade, that changes nothing to you. I thought I added value to your life but maybe not as much as I thought.

Earlier this quarter, you told me I was one of your best friends. And that I always will be. How can that possibly be true if you don't take the time to be with me? How is that true when I am time and time again the person to reach out and you respond by shifting or canceling plans and 3 word text responses? Every time I try to make a plan with you I'm 65% sure it's not going to happen. Or if it does, you'll probably be thinking of something else or counting down the seconds before you can go to bed. I know you're tired but when you're with me, be with me. Now, instead of getting ready for a hangout the hour before, I wait for a message saying something came up.

"Things are just really crazy right now."

When are they not?

I should still be valuable enough for you to make me a priority, too. I deserve that much.

The Slow Goodbye

The beginning of my irrelevance is starting to sink in.

My role in Wildcat Welcome and NSFP is ending Friday.
On of my best friends in the world is graduating in 2 weeks.
I'm graduating next quarter.
I have a job.
My friends will no longer be a ten minute walk away. They're moving to other parts of the country and world.

I'm a senior. I am really a senior.

I'm almost done.
Really done. There's no going back from this point.

Everything feels like a memory as I'm living it.

Today was the first time that all of Board and Staff have been in the same room since the end of Wildcat Welcome. And it's the last time we will be for a long time, at least in the foreseeable future.

I left the meeting knowing I had to write about it. I wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. We discussed the people who will be replacing us and I was transported back a year ago to my own reveal that feels so recent. I felt so trusting of the next generation of Wildcat Welcome.

But I also felt a deep sadness. A melancholy that shook me to my core in a way that only expiring timelines do.

I can never go back to this moment. I can never go back to last month or last year or the beginning of my relationship with the people I've met here or the end of others. I knew logically that this life is not a dress rehearsal early but I don't think I've ever felt it in the way I do now. Everything feels so accelerated. Everything matters and nothing does. I don't feel the need to drown myself in studying for the sake of the grade but I am signing up for things just for the chance to learn from them. Every interaction with friends has so much weight because I know the state of our relationship now is what I'm going to carry with me when I leave this place. Right now determines if we'll be friends in the afterward.

The afterward. That's what terrifies me. Once again, I know logically we're all going on to bigger things in better places and that Northwestern has done nothing but open doors for me. But now I'm at a point where my choices matter. They have an impact on who I am today and who I'll eventually become. Now there is no checklist. I can't plan 3 months at a time taking classes I know I have to. I make my own decisions either toward or away various trajectories of my future and that openness terrifies me. No one can tell me what to do but me.

I'm not sure if I'd feel the same way if I thought the world were safe. My gut says the feeling would persist but at the same time my current perception is tempered by the absurdly awful tragedies of recent times. Race relations, suicide bombs, senseless murders, natural disasters. The world is crumbling at our feet just as I prepare myself to take my first real step. I'm left wondering what matters. I mean what really matters. Who am I to be worried about where I'll be working and how fast I'll be able to find a mentor? I live with such privilege. The fact that I will have a college education and am surrounded by like-minded people with a well paying job in a safe environment is infinitely more than so many can dream of. In that way, I feel so much pain. At the same way, I feel as though I have no right to.

I know it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. To me, the opposite of love is indifference. But it hurts.

This year has been full of so much growth for me. I struggle to even articulate how much. I've grown in my confidence. I've met people who I believe have made me a better person and I've made conscious efforts to work toward being the kind of person I've needed at various times in my life. I know I don't have have to be perfect or even close. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I'm enough.


A year from now we'll all be gone, all our friends will move away. 
And they're going to better to better places. But our friends will be gone away.
Nothing is as it has been as it has been and I miss your face like hell. 
And I guess it's just as well but I miss your face like hell.

Been talking about the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
And if you don't know what to make of this, then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this, then we will not relate

Rivers and roads, rivers and roads
Rivers till I reach you
Rivers and roads, rivers and roads
Rivers till I reach you
-- Rivers and Roads, The Head and The Heart